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Starting Over Is A Messy Process


When I finally hit a breaking point in my marriage in 2022, I realized I had to separate from my husband.  My mental health was crashing and I didn't know who I was anymore. The only thing that I had an answer too was that it was over. The impact of that decision was exhausting, stressful, and defeating. There had been no plan set in place to protect or guide me through the process of completely starting over. Thankfully, I was born incredibly loud and stubborn. Little did I know, this would be my most valuable resource in times of completely restructuring my life. 

Could there have been a plan? Or, a large savings account awaiting my departure? Absolutely. But there wasn't. I'm a believer that it is impossible to prepare for everything.  Especially, extremely painful moments & choices. I do not discredit the importance of planning. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would have planned around a lot of the experiences I ended up going through. We can only change what is in our control though. 

It took lots of house searching, feeling trapped, millions of tears, and finally a prayer of desperation to lead me to a little yellow house in the country. It was September 2022, and God answered my prayers.  On Facebook Marketplace, a girl in the same career field as me, was needing a roommate. I relocated my plants, clothes, sentimental items, and a few kitchen things to this new residence. The pictures in this blog post are of my plants & room at the new place. It helps when I feel like I am in chaos to at least know where my basic hygiene items are!

So here I was, out in the middle of no where (literally). It was beautiful,  peaceful, and green. I remember finding a cotton field a street over. I stopped, turned up my country music, and photographed the cotton as the sun peaked through the forest. It was a beautiful afternoon and I remember my soul savoring the silence that  I found in that field. 

I also took a selfie of "squeezing the sun."

My living situation was not meant to last long in this area. I ended up moving a few months after I moved into that little home. However, I do not regret having made the decision to move out to the country because:

  -I moved myself, singlehandedly. It reminded me of my own strength. 
-My roommate became a friend that I respect. 
-It was the first step in starting over. 
-I proved to myself I could drive a long way to keep a job, in the name of having a home. 

What I want to say to you if you are starting over is that this is a messy process.  You will have days where you question your choices, when your future looks completely distorted, and you want to give up. The feeling of failure may run fluidly through your veins as hot tears streak mascara down your face. The only way to put it is that, you most likely feel like you are breaking. Most likely, your heart is. But, my darling, let it. Allow yourself to have moments where you feel everything.  To cry is to be alive. We all must go through the process of grief when we lose a relationship that we once loved. No matter how ready you are to get out, it is likely that there will be pain attached to the departure. Change is never easy. This I know though: 

You WILL rebuild
You WILL heal 
You WILL experience love again
You WILL move past this moment 
You WILL find yourself again 

Trust the process and allow yourself the time you need to heal. For some of us, that may mean spending a lot of days reading a book in the sun. For others, peace may be found walking down the beach or under the stars at night. Go look for your peace and when you find it, spend time in that place. Keep your faith, keep going, and keep breathing. Record your journey because looking back, it will be inspirational for you to see how far you came. And maybe, one day, you will share your journey to help another person along on theirs. 

Start Over, Darling. 


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